Trial Child

Only through experience we are able to learn

I came up with a concept a while ago, I create concepts that usually are random words together for ideas of a poem I can't write at the moment. The idea of the poem, which I never managed to do, was around the oldest child "phenomenon." Hence Trial Child. I'm a female so I'm an older daughter, an older sister and like I mentioned in my previous post; being an older sibling means a lot to me, I aspire to be an example for my siblings, I aspire for them to know that they can trust me.

But as we've begun and now continue to know, being the oldest child comes with certain "issues." If you're an older sibling, and even if you're not, there's many jokes online of how the older child has a very strict upcoming, and once they have siblings, those restrictions slowly fade towards them, towards their new little siblings.

I've blocked a lot, I don't remember much about my childhood, and the memories I do have are different types of memories. One of the things many of my family will say about me is that I was a pretty peaceful child, but still, my mother was very strict on me. One of her proudest moments as a mother was a day I tried to talk to her while she was in a conversation, and she hit my mouth. She did what's called a "tapaboca." Even after she did that, I tried to say whatever I wanted to say at the time, but she kept hitting me. She did like 6 times, maybe? And I don't necessarily like the idea of putting your hand on your child, but even ignoring that, how is that a proud moment for you? How, as a mother, is one of your proud moments just hitting your child? I summarize it to "just" because I don't remember why it happened, and neither does she. She doesn't even know what I was trying to say or why she decided to hit me.

She's less strict with my sisters, and we've had conversations about it. Now, I mentioned before the many "famous" jokes online that have told me I'm not alone. So, I've wondered for a while, why does this happen? Why does it seem obvious that the parents’ "favorites" will be the little kids? Why as the oldest, as their first child, we are pushed and pulled to later adopt less meaner ways?

Putting it harshly, we are lab rats. We are the trial-and-error kids. We are pushed and pulled to see what works, what feels right, and what the consequences are. We are the oldest, their first, and they're learning with us, they're learning through us. Sometimes, this is hard to handle or even accept, we ask "why us" like any other human when facing adversaries.

They must learn some way, and that way is through us, we are their tool to learning, we are their trial, and it may be a shame or simply hard. Yet, parents have to learn some way, don't they?